I am struggling.
I am really honestly struggling most of the time.
When I say that I'm struggling, I don't mean that I'm failing. I mean that I have kept myself just above water all on my own with no fall back plan.
I am going to MIT on scholarships and my part time work. I don't have a fall back. I couldn't transfer out of an engineering degree without losing my scholarships. I can't get a lower GPA or I will lose my scholarship. There is no one to pay my student contribution. If I lose my job, I don't have a relative to give me one. If I don't pay my bills, it's my credit on the line not a family member's. I don't have any such family members. Even my FAFSA recognizes - I am an independent; it's just me.
There is really just me.
I am doing the best I can with the resources I have.
I have by all accounts done exceptionally well. Something like 50% of foster care alumni haven't completed a high school education and something like 15% end up in prison. 66% will be homeless, go to jail, or die within a year of leaving the foster care system at 18. Foster care alumni have higher rates of depressive episodes than the general population. Suicide rates for teens is about 7%.
I have completed high school and am working towards a degree at MIT. I haven't self harmed in almost a year. I have a plan of action for my depressive episodes that involves a stable clinician.
But when I look to other students at MIT, I see kids with very different resources. A lot of kids here have parents with PhDs. Some of the parents can help their kids with their work. Most of the kids here are not first generation; a good college has been expected of them since always. They go home to their mother and father knowing that they are safe and loved, unconditionally. They can email their psets to their parents and expect the questions to be understood and maybe even some guidance in answering them.
I don't have any of that. I don't have the financial security of college educated family. I don't have the educational support of STEM educated parents. I don't have the emotional security of being able to go home to my bio family.
This isn't meant to be a source of pity. I don't spend my time sitting around feeling sorry for myself. If I did I wouldn't be where I am. But I do need to deal with this reality. Because of the tendency to 'curve' class grades,
I simply mean to acknowledge that this responsibility is on my shoulders.
This is the reality I have been dealing with since I was 14.
I have learned how to deal with things to keep myself safe and head above water.
But I would like to have my grades from MIT show my skill. Not just my managing to survive skill. But my actual skill, when I am at the same place of safety as the other students.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Me, myself, and I
I am struggling.
I am really honestly struggling most of the time.
When I say that I'm struggling, I don't mean that I'm failing. I mean that I have kept myself just above water all on my own with no fall back plan.
I am going to MIT on scholarships and my part time work. I don't have a fall back. I couldn't transfer out of an engineering degree without losing my scholarships. I can't get a lower GPA or I will lose my scholarship. There is no one to pay my student contribution. If I lose my job, I don't have a relative to give me one. If I don't pay my bills, it's my credit on the line not a family member's. I don't have any such family members. Even my FAFSA recognizes - I am an independent; it's just me.
There is really just me.
I am doing the best I can with the resources I have.
I have by all accounts done exceptionally well. Something like 50% of foster care alumni haven't completed a high school education and something like 15% end up in prison. 66% will be homeless, go to jail, or die within a year of leaving the foster care system at 18. Foster care alumni have higher rates of depressive episodes than the general population. Suicide rates for teens is about 7%.
I have completed high school and am working towards a degree at MIT. I haven't self harmed in almost a year. I have a plan of action for my depressive episodes that involves a stable clinician.
But when I look to other students at MIT, I see kids with very different resources. A lot of kids here have parents with PhDs. Some of the parents can help their kids with their work. Most of the kids here are not first generation; a good college has been expected of them since always. They go home to their mother and father knowing that they are safe and loved, unconditionally. They can email their psets to their parents and expect the questions to be understood and maybe even some guidance in answering them.
I don't have any of that. I don't have the financial security of college educated family. I don't have the educational support of STEM educated parents. I don't have the emotional security of being able to go home to my bio family.
This isn't meant to be a source of pity. I don't spend my time sitting around feeling sorry for myself. If I did I wouldn't be where I am. But I do need to deal with this reality. Because of the tendency to 'curve' class grades,
I simply mean to acknowledge that this responsibility is on my shoulders.
This is the reality I have been dealing with since I was 14.
I have learned how to deal with things to keep myself safe and head above water.
But I would like to have my grades from MIT show my skill. Not just my managing to survive skill. But my actual skill, when I am at the same place of safety as the other students.
I am really honestly struggling most of the time.
When I say that I'm struggling, I don't mean that I'm failing. I mean that I have kept myself just above water all on my own with no fall back plan.
I am going to MIT on scholarships and my part time work. I don't have a fall back. I couldn't transfer out of an engineering degree without losing my scholarships. I can't get a lower GPA or I will lose my scholarship. There is no one to pay my student contribution. If I lose my job, I don't have a relative to give me one. If I don't pay my bills, it's my credit on the line not a family member's. I don't have any such family members. Even my FAFSA recognizes - I am an independent; it's just me.
There is really just me.
I am doing the best I can with the resources I have.
I have by all accounts done exceptionally well. Something like 50% of foster care alumni haven't completed a high school education and something like 15% end up in prison. 66% will be homeless, go to jail, or die within a year of leaving the foster care system at 18. Foster care alumni have higher rates of depressive episodes than the general population. Suicide rates for teens is about 7%.
I have completed high school and am working towards a degree at MIT. I haven't self harmed in almost a year. I have a plan of action for my depressive episodes that involves a stable clinician.
But when I look to other students at MIT, I see kids with very different resources. A lot of kids here have parents with PhDs. Some of the parents can help their kids with their work. Most of the kids here are not first generation; a good college has been expected of them since always. They go home to their mother and father knowing that they are safe and loved, unconditionally. They can email their psets to their parents and expect the questions to be understood and maybe even some guidance in answering them.
I don't have any of that. I don't have the financial security of college educated family. I don't have the educational support of STEM educated parents. I don't have the emotional security of being able to go home to my bio family.
This isn't meant to be a source of pity. I don't spend my time sitting around feeling sorry for myself. If I did I wouldn't be where I am. But I do need to deal with this reality. Because of the tendency to 'curve' class grades,
I simply mean to acknowledge that this responsibility is on my shoulders.
This is the reality I have been dealing with since I was 14.
I have learned how to deal with things to keep myself safe and head above water.
But I would like to have my grades from MIT show my skill. Not just my managing to survive skill. But my actual skill, when I am at the same place of safety as the other students.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Happy Thanksgiving
Ah, I'm packing up for my trip home for Thanksgiving. Please take a little time to show gratitude to those you care for and especially to yourself as the busy holiday season goes into full swing!
Happy Thanksgiving
Ah, I'm packing up for my trip home for Thanksgiving. Please take a little time to show gratitude to those you care for and especially to yourself as the busy holiday season goes into full swing!
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Affirmation of Sadness
While we may not need to cry that often, I think a lot of us struggle to let the tears flow. But it's really important to have a good cry when you feel the need to.
Sometimes when we cry, we feel weak or guilty for expressing out emotions. For women, it can be seen as a long expected sign of weakness to cry in the wrong setting. Men are often discouraged from expressing their emotions so tears can be a scary prospect. But all of us have emotions, no matter how strong of a front we put forward.
Here's a set of affirmations that I have been giving myself when I feel the need to cry. I hope that they help you or can serve as a resource for times of trouble. Please always keep in mind that things can get better and there are resources for help.
Sometimes when we cry, we feel weak or guilty for expressing out emotions. For women, it can be seen as a long expected sign of weakness to cry in the wrong setting. Men are often discouraged from expressing their emotions so tears can be a scary prospect. But all of us have emotions, no matter how strong of a front we put forward.
Here's a set of affirmations that I have been giving myself when I feel the need to cry. I hope that they help you or can serve as a resource for times of trouble. Please always keep in mind that things can get better and there are resources for help.
- It's okay to be scared to cry. Strong emotions can be scary and unfamiliar, but these emotions are part of you. What's really scary is trying to keep these emotions back where they can fester.
- There's no reason not to cry. It doesn't matter if someone hears you. It doesn't matter if other people don't need to cry. It doesn't matter if the reason you're crying is small. Think about how many tears were shed over the Titanic: if you feel the need to cry, surely your emotional health is just as worthy as a silly movie.
- You deserve the right to be sad.
- You deserve the space to cry.
- You deserve the time to feel emotions, good and bad.
- Confronting your emotions is a necessary part of moving forward. There's no way to have emotions go away without dealing with them.
- Crying because you are frustrated, sad, or angry is all valid. There are many reasons why people cry. Whatever your reason it is valid.
- Tomorrow will be better.
Affirmation of Sadness
While we may not need to cry that often, I think a lot of us struggle to let the tears flow. But it's really important to have a good cry when you feel the need to.
Sometimes when we cry, we feel weak or guilty for expressing out emotions. For women, it can be seen as a long expected sign of weakness to cry in the wrong setting. Men are often discouraged from expressing their emotions so tears can be a scary prospect. But all of us have emotions, no matter how strong of a front we put forward.
Here's a set of affirmations that I have been giving myself when I feel the need to cry. I hope that they help you or can serve as a resource for times of trouble. Please always keep in mind that things can get better and there are resources for help.
Sometimes when we cry, we feel weak or guilty for expressing out emotions. For women, it can be seen as a long expected sign of weakness to cry in the wrong setting. Men are often discouraged from expressing their emotions so tears can be a scary prospect. But all of us have emotions, no matter how strong of a front we put forward.
Here's a set of affirmations that I have been giving myself when I feel the need to cry. I hope that they help you or can serve as a resource for times of trouble. Please always keep in mind that things can get better and there are resources for help.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Check in: Jumbled Thoughts
Periodically I find that I have to check in with myself and my values.
I was talking with a floor mate and she insisted that we have to 'prioritize' things. By this she meant that some values and truths that we find to be important we have to set aside, ignore the injustice of breaking them and the harm that this ignorance causes. She said that you had to 'pick your battles,' that you couldn't do everything.
Insistently, I said that we could do everything, that there was no cause so trivial to be put aside. I found her statements repugnant: It's an impossible and disrespectful task to determine which life is more worthy of your time. Lifestyles are inherently political; all aspects of a lifestyle should be aligned with the individual's moral views. While resources may be limited, ingenuity is not. If your morals do not apply to your actions, you do not actually believe your morals. I tried to explain how I structured my life in alignment with this belief.
In some places I could clearly articulate what I meant: I changed majors from something that was based in military applications (mechanical engineering) to one that was not only harmless but an important part of conserving the world's culture (art conservation). Even my achievement and choice of university was a political statement: a raised-poor biracial woman can go to MIT to pursue a degree in engineering. I could also explain how I choose to purchase products that are generally organic and/or fair trade. I could even point to the fact that I was engaging in this conversation and the risk I have faced in spreading my beliefs.
However in other places, I found myself struggling to find the bright line between my intent and my effect. While I don't believe that individual choices within capitalism are a means of changing our larger social structure, I find that it is irresponsible to ignore the meaning in small changes of purchasing and responsibility. For example, I don't think that my recycling is going to fix America's lack of sustainability. On the other hand, I can't point to any direct action I've taken to change America's policies outside of my own awareness and the individual conversations I've had. Pointing to the resources available, I can say how much fair trade food I can afford to seek out and buy. But I cannot find a way to choose which products to purchase, which to 'prioritize.'
Always, articulating your values to another person is a valuable experience because it forces you to confront contradictions and vacancies. Because of this conversation, I came to a better understanding of what I want and what I am doing. Basically I know that I'm not causing harm but I am not actually making progress towards my beliefs being adopted by others or helping others.
I want to find out how I can better bring my daily actions in line with my values. In particular, I've increasingly been focused on how to turn my feminism into practice. What does 'solidarity with women' mean? I live on a women's floor. I choose to write my papers on women's contributions with women authors. I read and think about women's issues. But what does this mean in daily practice?
I would love to hear how others balance this or put their beliefs into practice. I think this is something that will take a long time for me to fully achieve, but I do want to begin working towards the goals I see for myself and the world. If I can speak about change, I must also act as I speak.
I was talking with a floor mate and she insisted that we have to 'prioritize' things. By this she meant that some values and truths that we find to be important we have to set aside, ignore the injustice of breaking them and the harm that this ignorance causes. She said that you had to 'pick your battles,' that you couldn't do everything.
Insistently, I said that we could do everything, that there was no cause so trivial to be put aside. I found her statements repugnant: It's an impossible and disrespectful task to determine which life is more worthy of your time. Lifestyles are inherently political; all aspects of a lifestyle should be aligned with the individual's moral views. While resources may be limited, ingenuity is not. If your morals do not apply to your actions, you do not actually believe your morals. I tried to explain how I structured my life in alignment with this belief.
In some places I could clearly articulate what I meant: I changed majors from something that was based in military applications (mechanical engineering) to one that was not only harmless but an important part of conserving the world's culture (art conservation). Even my achievement and choice of university was a political statement: a raised-poor biracial woman can go to MIT to pursue a degree in engineering. I could also explain how I choose to purchase products that are generally organic and/or fair trade. I could even point to the fact that I was engaging in this conversation and the risk I have faced in spreading my beliefs.
However in other places, I found myself struggling to find the bright line between my intent and my effect. While I don't believe that individual choices within capitalism are a means of changing our larger social structure, I find that it is irresponsible to ignore the meaning in small changes of purchasing and responsibility. For example, I don't think that my recycling is going to fix America's lack of sustainability. On the other hand, I can't point to any direct action I've taken to change America's policies outside of my own awareness and the individual conversations I've had. Pointing to the resources available, I can say how much fair trade food I can afford to seek out and buy. But I cannot find a way to choose which products to purchase, which to 'prioritize.'
Always, articulating your values to another person is a valuable experience because it forces you to confront contradictions and vacancies. Because of this conversation, I came to a better understanding of what I want and what I am doing. Basically I know that I'm not causing harm but I am not actually making progress towards my beliefs being adopted by others or helping others.
I want to find out how I can better bring my daily actions in line with my values. In particular, I've increasingly been focused on how to turn my feminism into practice. What does 'solidarity with women' mean? I live on a women's floor. I choose to write my papers on women's contributions with women authors. I read and think about women's issues. But what does this mean in daily practice?
I would love to hear how others balance this or put their beliefs into practice. I think this is something that will take a long time for me to fully achieve, but I do want to begin working towards the goals I see for myself and the world. If I can speak about change, I must also act as I speak.
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