Values in Alignment

I wrote a while ago about the difficulty I had in getting my mental values and my dedication of resources in alignment. Since it's been a while, I wanted to check in on this again. I haven't written about it, but I've been turning this topic over in my head. Over the past months, I've been reading on my own and discussing with online folks how they approach it.

I think the most obvious change is that my intended work field is in alignment. Working as an archaeologist, anthropologist, or conservator means understanding and preserving different cultures. Additionally, the funding for this work usually comes from the government or private foundations. This work is very different than where I started out, interested in military funded work in mechanical engineering. My work goals are very much in line with what I believe should be done: I think we should collectively contribute to understanding world culture, unite ourselves to protect and promote learning and collaboration. I'm proud that I will be working in a way that aligns with my values; the guilt-free joy is probably the foundation for continuing my course work at this point.

The other changes are more personal. I practice political celibacy and I absolutely refuse to contribute my energy to being drained by men. I'm very at peace with being ace; I don't feel pressure to give my energy to men or ashamed of the intimacy I feel for my female friends. Lesbian has at last been defanged as an insult. Looking back, I'm amazed at the pain I felt and the knots I twisted myself into over being accused of being a lesbian. I mean that truly, the accusatory tone intended in something that should never be used as an insult! I've cut pornography out of my life for almost 5 years now. I want to increase my focus on sisterhood and supporting women in my life. It's so easy to get caught up in comparison and envy. We are trained early on that there can only be one token in our field, that all the good men will be grabbed by other women, that the happiness of others detracts from our own. I want to unpack this in myself in order to find ways to give meaningfully to other women.

I think the big change that I need to make is to do political activist work. During the past three years, I was very focused on conquering my own little corner of the world. My activist work was focused on supporting women of color in my dorm. Be it serving as an Associate Advisor to encourage women and support them during their freshman year at a prestigious engineering school or hosting tea parties to make space to talk with and embrace the women I lived with in an antagonistic co-ed dorm, all of my work has been very small scale. Most this activism I would now describe as consciousness raising. While the personal is political, I think the gap is that I haven't worked or acted on anything that is explicitly political.

I don't think that individual consumer choices are particularly effective in advocating for political change, but they have eased my conscience since I last wrote. I enjoy shopping mainly at Whole Foods mainly because of the quality of the food. Not because I'm sure my $50 fair trade purchase is going to change the way a global food economy operates. I'm also aware that many other people in my neighborhood can't afford to shop at Whole Foods, much less dedicate the time and effort to home cooking. But this sort of liberal choice activism has been a foundation of my 'work' since I first confronted the gap between my words and actions. I want to make the big step into doing real work!

I'm not sure how to begin political activist work. I hope that I can share the journey I go on, as I slowly figure it out. Most likely I'll start small with volunteer work.

Endure, Accomodate: Become

She is not a romantic. Illness does not necessarily produce insight. Mostly it does not. It must be endured, accommodated. Our struggles towards health can accommodate what looks like disease. If the shaking woman is extended a measure of tolerance, she can become a companion in endeavour. 

~ Hilary Mantel, in her review of The Shaking Woman or A History of My Nerves by Siri Hustvedt. 

I have spent a lot of my life believing that if I didn't acknowledge things that they would go away. But that's not how things work! I have been truly blessed to finally find folk who recognize that ignoring abuse doesn't make it disappear. Ignoring abuse allows your abuser to continue.

(via)

There's this other idea of the creative pathos; creativity doesn't come from suffering. Creativity comes from hard work. Suffering isn't noble. Pain isn't romantic. Like the quote says, being ill doesn't magically make you wise. Running away doesn't fix the problem; ignoring it doesn't help you.You're going to have to confront the situation and then figure out what you can do. That's how you get wise: learning how to fix problems through experience.

• When going through a difficulty, you must recognize that it is happening. 

• Recognize and accommodate.

• Pretending you aren't sad, sick, or tired doesn't make you feel better. 

Endure, Accomodate: Become

She is not a romantic. Illness does not necessarily produce insight. Mostly it does not. It must be endured, accommodated. Our struggles towards health can accommodate what looks like disease. If the shaking woman is extended a measure of tolerance, she can become a companion in endeavour. 

~ Hilary Mantel, in her review of The Shaking Woman or A History of My Nerves by Siri Hustvedt. 

I have spent a lot of my life believing that if I didn't acknowledge things that they would go away. But that's not how things work! I have been truly blessed to finally find folk who recognize that ignoring abuse doesn't make it disappear. Ignoring abuse allows your abuser to continue.

(via)

There's this other idea of the creative pathos; creativity doesn't come from suffering. Creativity comes from hard work. Suffering isn't noble. Pain isn't romantic. Like the quote says, being ill doesn't magically make you wise. Running away doesn't fix the problem; ignoring it doesn't help you.You're going to have to confront the situation and then figure out what you can do. That's how you get wise: learning how to fix problems through experience.

• When going through a difficulty, you must recognize that it is happening. 

• Recognize and accommodate.

• Pretending you aren't sad, sick, or tired doesn't make you feel better. 

Rousseau: Perpetual restraint vs. Honest commitment

People seem to become more and more homogeneous as time goes on. Think of the rapid spread of galaxy print. Quickly galaxy went from a few instances of NASA photoshopping, to a DIY trend, and on to widespread commercial products. Maybe it's the success of corporations managing to sell us all the same product in a million different ways. Maybe it's the process of information becoming more quickly and widely available.

via Britannica

Even in the 18th century process of people trying to fall into a mold was happening. Rousseau writes in Discourses on the Arts and Sciences on the prevalence of modern manners.

Read more for a quote of his ideas and my thoughts on individuality despite outside pressure.

The Quote

"In our day, now that more subtle study and a more refined taste have reduced the art of pleasing to a system, there prevails in modern manners a servile and deceptive conformity; so that one would think every mind had been cast in the same mould. Politeness requires this thing; decorum that; ceremony has it s forms, and fashion its laws, and these we must always follow, never the promptings of our own nature.

We no longer dare seem what we really are, but lie under a perpetual restraint; in the meantime the herd of men, which we call society, all act under the same circumstances exactly alike, unless very particular and powerful motives prevent them. Thus we never know with whom we have to deal; and even to know our friends we must wait for some critical and pressing occaison; that is, till it is too late; for it is on those very occasions that such knowledge is of use to us."

from Rousseau, A Discourse on the Arts and Sciences, The First Part

Homogenization by Choice

What is certain is that the homogenization make individuality more difficult. It's hard to be your unique self when everyone else seems to have poured themselves into a single cast. I remember in high school when everyone wore Abercrombie and Fitch, capped sleeves and color scheme down to a precise formula. Now, the uniform is more subtle and encroaches on behavior.

There prevails in modern manners a servile and deceptive conformity

Apparently, it's absolutely not okay to not have a plan for after graduation as a freshman nor is it alright to purchase your brass rat after graduation, even if these decisions are based on your finances. If you've ever worn a costume on the T, the adult uniform is revealed by its absence. The conformity is deceptive in how everyone seems to easily fall into it, willingly. But it's there.

So how do you break out of the mold that's been made invisible by ubiquity?
How does one stand up for their individuality while still being presentable for interviews?

Unique Self

Part of embracing the everyday is embracing who you are. Get in touch with what you want then work to pursue that. The persistence to follow your dream will also show your value as an individual amongst so many identical replicates. Get in touch with the powerful motives that will give you strength to be yourself. Once you have a goal, pursue it regardless of decorum. If you want to be more fashionable, try out new coordinates regardless of what dullards warn about changing your style. Reach out to communities that pursue the similar styles; don't be afraid of being the first person to speak.

Valuable Friends

Let go of friends that don't stand by you. Friends who haven't stayed with you aren't guaranteed friends. Don't go out creating a crisis. Do pay attention to who comforts you, even in the small things. Trust me: those people will also show up when you truly need it.

Thus we never know with whom we have to deal; and even to know our friends we must wait for some critical and pressing occaison; that is, till it is too late; for it is on those very occasions that such knowledge is of use to us.

People who share your goal will make useful allies and even better friends; you know they will stay strong beside you because they too have gone through the difficulty of breaking out of the mediocre. Most likely, they'll be far more welcoming and warm as you discuss something exciting you both love than those bound by polite conversation about the weather.

Reading Rousseau on this subject gave me confidence and I hope that it can give you confidence too. Being yourself can give you a lot of insight on the true friends in your life. Don't worry about people that are uncomfortable with you embracing yourself. Be open and honest with your advice. The true friends are the people that stick around and care while others ignore or try to disparage you.

Rousseau: Perpetual restraint vs. Honest commitment

People seem to become more and more homogeneous as time goes on. Think of the rapid spread of galaxy print. Quickly galaxy went from a few instances of NASA photoshopping, to a DIY trend, and on to widespread commercial products. Maybe it's the success of corporations managing to sell us all the same product in a million different ways. Maybe it's the process of information becoming more quickly and widely available.

via Britannica

Even in the 18th century process of people trying to fall into a mold was happening. Rousseau writes in Discourses on the Arts and Sciences on the prevalence of modern manners.

Read more for a quote of his ideas and my thoughts on individuality despite outside pressure.

Drifting From Your Values: Safe Space

When you go to college, it may be the first time that you encounter opinions radically different from your own. At the very least, college will likely be the first time that you don't have your home to return to; your parents and their support network likely won't be there in your dorm room to reassure you after a day of facing unfamiliar values. Losing that safe recuperating space can be really tough and stressful to deal with, especially when you want to replenish yourself.

Here are some ideas to find a safe space to refocus on your values.

Your room

Talk to your roommate to make sure that your room is a good place to recoup after a day. Having a safe place to return to refresh yourself and your values is really important. For example, if you don't agree with the college party scene, talk to your roommate about not playing loud house music late at night. Or if you don't believe in premarital sex, talk to your roommate about respecting your blissful ignorance of the sex when she "sexiles" you.

Recognize that you're not going to get everything you want from your roommate. Likely, the two of you will come to a compromise that isn't perfect but better than none at all.

Safe Spaces on Campus

If your room can't be a safe space, see if you can find a safe space on campus. A lot of colleges have women only safe spaces. There are also LGBTQ friendly spaces cropping up in more and more campuses; it's so great to see this time of progress. For religious folk, your faith probably has an area church and your campus probably has an interfaith chapel.  You can read this Tech article about the value of the MIT Women's Lounge. MIT also has the Rainbow Lounge.

Library 

I often find that reserving library study room for a few hours of self-contemplation is a good way to refresh and recenter myself. Sometimes I bring a book that describes my values; other times I just think about what has been drifting me from what I want to do. It's a very difficult process to return to what you hold in your heart when everyone else seems to be doing something different.

You may have a different group of friends, with different values, from different places. I know that I felt encouraged to try things I'd never even heard of before coming to MIT; some of the things I ended up really liking, while others I absolutely hated.

Drifting From Your Values: Safe Space

When you go to college, it may be the first time that you encounter opinions radically different from your own. At the very least, college will likely be the first time that you don't have your home to return to; your parents and their support network likely won't be there in your dorm room to reassure you after a day of facing unfamiliar values. Losing that safe recuperating space can be really tough and stressful to deal with, especially when you want to replenish yourself.

Here are some ideas to find a safe space to refocus on your values.